This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
