I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
