There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
