That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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