his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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