i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
