I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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