we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
