Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
