Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
no you cant smoke seaweed
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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