BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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