i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
