New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
