You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
