dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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