the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
