I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
