I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize