At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
