You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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