you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize