I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
