i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
