I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
