I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
