someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
