At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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