69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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