Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
