Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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