My cat gives me a boner
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
