My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
not ubering you a puppy
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
