It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
