Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
