every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize