Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize