I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
