I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
