ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
