Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
