I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
