Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
