So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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