I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I think I won the penis lottery.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
