Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
