shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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