I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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