I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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