I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
