Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
