Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
