his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We're not piercing ourselves today.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
