i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
