just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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