I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
