I got chris browned last night
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
