It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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