There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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