You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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