I could have mohawked her pubes.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
