so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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