yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
