I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize