I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
