i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
