Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
