Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize