my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I understand Curling. That high.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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