so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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